Happy 2008 New Year!

The 2007 clock is winding down to a stop. As December 31, gasps it last few frail breaths tonight, the robust New Year of 2008 will roll in. Out with the old and in with the new! And as the new year rolls it way into our lives it gives us time to sit back and reflect about the past year. Many of us will be making umpteen million new years resolutions. Not me of course. I only have one News Years resolution and that is, not to make any new New Years resolutions. Some of us will be looking forward with high expectations. Others will be scuffling around shuffling their feet crying about spilt milk. Some of us will party hardy until we have run up humongous liquor costs, pass out then wakeup in the morning with a headache. Others of us will prop up our feet while reclining in Big Green with a cup of hot cocoa (or a nice frosty cold mug of Mt. Dew), Nestles Christmas Chocolate Jingles and/or chocolate chip cookies then fall into deep slumber watching the Twilight Zone Marathon. At such momentous times it is good to reflect on the wisdom of the great philosophers. And as I reflect on the 2007 that was, and the 2008 that will be, I cannot think of any better words to bring in the New Year than from the modern philosopher Toby Keith’s song “As Good As I Once Was“:

She said, “I seen you in here before.”
I said, “I’ve been here a time or two.”
She said, “Hello, my
Name is Bobby Jo
Meet my twin sister Betty Lou
And we’re both feeling kinda wild tonight
And you’re the only cowboy in this place
And if you’re up for a rodeo
We’ll put a big Texas smile on
Your face”
I said, “Girls,”

[Chorus]
I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime

When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

I still hang out with my best friend Dave
I’ve known him since we were kids at school
Last night he
Had a few shots
Got in a tight spot hustlin’ a game of pool
With a couple of redneck boys
One great
Big bad biker man
I heard David yell across the room
“Hey buddy, how ’bout a helping hand.”
I said, “Dave,”

[Chorus]
I ain’t as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time back in my prime

When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don’t look all that
Tough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was younger man
Now my body says, “You can’t do this boy”

But my pride says, “Oh, yes you can

I ain’t as good as I once was
That’s just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I’m feeling bullet proof
So don’t double dog dare me now
‘Cause I’d have to call your bluff

I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was
Maybe not be good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

Yee Haw and a Happy New Year Everyone!

Signs Signs Everywhere a Sign

Hmm I guess if an individual or an organization, even if they are Iranian Mullah support structures, should at least understand the material they are stealing. Otherwise humorous satire can become just a badly made propaganda sign.

Bhutto Assassination Continues to Evolve

In the short time period since the assassination of former Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto the information surrounding the death has already changed into three different stories. The first story was that she was killed by an assassins bullet right before he detonated a suicide bomb. The second story that evolved was that Bhutto was killed by shrapnel from the bombs explosion hitting her head. Some of the reads I have seen explaining that scenario were rather gruesome. The latest explanation is a circumstance of events where she hit her head on the sunroof lever of the vehicle she was riding in. The injury was caused by the force of the concussion from the explosion propelling Bhutto into the lever while she was attempting to avoid the attack. The current theory is supposedly the head trauma caused from Bhutto hitting her head was the actual cause of death. Bhutto has been buried and it does not seem that there will be an autopsy unless the family requests it as that is the cultural custom.

There are also reports that Al-Qaeda had claimed responsibility for the killing. Supposedly the number two leader in Al-Qaeda ordered her death back in October. Plus it is widely accepted that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated deep into the Pakistani military. The military was also in charge of her protection. That makes for plenty of opportunity for assassination and conspiracy theory! Nothing really surprising in any of the Al-Qaeda suggested ties.

With the stories continuing to evolve this murder has already taken on a mythological theme. Whether or not they do an autopsy, the assassination is already creating the paths for numerous speculations and finger-pointing opportunities. It does not matter whether the facts are uncovered or not this murder is already taking on the form of the JFK assasination mythology: how was she really killed, what information did the doctors know or hide, and who were the conspirators in the death. These types of events grow and build upon rumor and conspiracy theory. Forty years from now it is highly probable that many myths and tales will surround the death of Bhutto as they currently do with the Kennedy assassination. And it is highly probable that we will know no more about her death than we do in these last twenty-four hours.

Bhutto Tragedy Ends Destiny

I was following the Benazir Bhutto tragedy on the news Thursday.  One individual reported that Bhutto had felt that after the October attack, which missed her while killing 120 others, her destiny would not allow her to be killed and also believed that true Muslims would not kill a woman. I guess I have to wonder which modern world she was living in, as suicide bombings over the years have proved that they recognize no gender bias when it comes to claiming victims. The killer exterminated the life of Bhutto and many more of her supporters. The tragedy’s tendrils of death and destruction have reached into many Pakistani homes. And it is very possible that even more chaos could grow from this misfortune. If there is one lesson that history continues to teach us – it is that no matter how much protection you might have, if an assassin is determined, especially if they are willing to risk their life, there is no way to be absolutely safe from an passionate slayer. The question is, will her death stop her mission or will her vision live on?

A Holiday Wish

 

May your sorrows guide you towards happiness

May your happiness fill your soul with joy

May your bounty of joy yield desire to share

May your sharing inspire love

May your love nurture those whose life you touch

May those lives you touch guard you in times of troubles

 

 

Merry

Christmas!

Last Minute Christmas Gift

I found the following joke about last minute Christmas gift shopping over on Wally’s Joke Mail:

The Last Minute Christmas Gift

It was Christmas Eve and Ron had still not bought anything for his
for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped at that famous
department store, Macy’s.

I’ll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the
store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Ron said, “I’m looking
for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas.”

The cosmetics clerk said, “Certainly, we have several very fine
perfumes.” And she proceeded to show him a bottle of “Elegance”,
$75 an ounce.

“That’s a bit out of my price range,” Ron said.

The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, “Leave
Him Wondering”, for only $35 an ounce.

“That’s still quite a lot,” he grumbled.

So the clerk brought out a bottle of “Smells Like Heaven”, only $20
an ounce.

At this, Ron grew a bit angry. “Geez,” he exclaimed, “Can’t you
show me something real cheap?”

In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.

***********************************************

I found the joke particularly amusing for I have dealt with many such Grinchs. Often they kicked the whole Christmas season around partying and role in drunk near to a stores closing time Christmas Eve, looking for their wives a Christmas gift, never seeming to understand that most of the bargains have been long picked over. Life is often more interesting than fiction and most jokes do have a base from which they are formed. Hope this wasn’t you!

TheScoundrel wishes everyone and their family a very Merry Christmas!!!

And if celebrating Christmas is not your thing, then I wish you a great and joyful life!!!

Ho-Ho-Ho!!!

More Blagojevich Fund Raiser Indictments and Obama Image

The news for the State of Chicago Gov. Blagodabitch whom also occasionally visits his fiefdom of Illinois continues to worsen. He is already dodging political bullets from one of his major campaign fundraisers, Tony Rezko, indictment. Now it seems he has even more bullets to avoid. According to an AP article Blago is an unnamed government official claiming that he could “reward campaign donors with contracts, legal work, and investment banking” in court document presented in that investigation of Rezko. If that was not enough another major Blago fundraiser is now charged with filing false tax returns. (More information on these stories at this link.) This will not help an already unpopular Governor push his agendas either with the voters or the Illinois legislative body. You also have to wonder about the long term effects on his ability to run for Governor again, should he choose to attempt another reign of the state from his Chicago home.

I think Barack Obama is one of the politically cleanest politicians I have seen in POTUS history. But another situation to watch at the Rezko trial is what types of information will come out about his links to Presidential hopeful Barack Obama. Obama who is running as a “new face – against the established good old boy society” has already been tied to Rezko through real estate deals and possible political favor internships. I have speculated before if this has something to do with the big Obama secret that the Clinton camp leaked that they were sitting on. The thing about rubbing shoulders with corrupt individuals is that very often you get some of their stench on you. And even if you and your intentions are as pure as the driven snow, when you do business with indicted individuals you can expect their tarnish to rub off some of your glow of purity. Even if you have enough cash to keep your name tossing to a minimum, your name will get tossed back and forth as people under pressure look for ways to diminish the damage to their life. These are just the types of problems that experienced politicians like the Clinton camp can turn into a victory dance.

Politically Correct Christmas Visions

While I was surfing the Internet (I still have not found the end of it, must be because I am still running on dial-up service) I ran across a couple of interesting looks at politically corrected Christmas events. So here as an early Christmas presents to my readers are a couple of humorous links.

The first was an article from Joe Holleman from the St. Louis Post Dispatch. In his article he takes a look at Christmas past (1963) and Christmas present. He takes a sad but humorous look at how celebrations of the holiday have changed. No ghosts are involved but he gets a few punches in on politically correct organizations while he pokes some sad humor about the closeness and fun that have been taken out of life and the Holidays through abuse of political correctness. Here is the link to the article: ‘Twas the night before a politically correct Christmas.

Another humorous look at political correctness worming its way into the holidays can be found over on the Humor Matters site operated by Steven M. Sultanoff,PhD. Here is the very funny poem he has posted called “A Politically Correct Christmas Poem“:

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened”.

To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So…half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts…why, he’d never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur…
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales…while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone might get hurt,
besides – playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn’t figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy – with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere…even you!
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…

“MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH”

The Ultimate in Last Minute Less Ordinary Christmas Gifts

Whooo-EEEE! Christmas is almost upon us friends, neighbors, Romans and countrymen. Lend me your ears, err I mean, well in this case lend me your eyes. Just days left to buy your sweety that Ultimate in Last Minute Less Ordinary Christmas Gifts. Granted some of them might not get delivered in time to place under the tree with the booty left by Santa, but an IOU and receipt of purchase should let them know you were out searching for the very best of treasures to lay at their feet, that you could find. So with that in mind here are more less ordinary Christmas gift ideas:

For that little lady seeking major protection, designed with the ladies in mind, from the boogeymen out roaming the streets how about –> The Pink Lady taser? Then the next time some loser is hitting on her in the bar she can hear him scream, “Don’t Tase Me Bro!”(also available in other colors)

Not what you are looking for! Perhaps you are looking for something more thrill seeking. Then perhaps the Birdman Flying Wing is just the gift you are searching for! Glide with the birds. Hey and don’t worry, it’s just a ride!!!

No, then free flight was not quite your thing? maybe you are just landlocked like theScoundrel. Maybe you just dream of the view from above. Well this next gift is perfect for you or your sweety, especially if they/you are into voyeurism of the sunbathers next door. Hey why should the government have all the fun spying when you can own your very own DIY flying spy drone! (AGM-114 Hellfire Missiles not included!)

Maybe you feel emasculated and are tired of having sand kicked in you and your girlfriends face at the beach by the bullies! Grrr! And you just do not have time for that Charles Atlas course! Well perhaps you need your very own exoskeleton outfit making you into the next bionic man or woman. Then feel the surge of empowerment as you crush those insensitive bullies!

Hmmm you say you are looking for a family gift! I see – said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw. Is it that piece of tin foil sitting in your garage that the car salesman sold you for only $30,000. Perhaps you do not feel safe weaving in and out of traffic on the way to Mickey Dees. Well you need to contact Ibis Tek and let them protect your family by fixing up that over priced piece of tin foil they sold to you as a SUV. Let them not only reinforce the chassis of the old family truckster against bombs and explosions but also look into letting them make you boring old vehicle into one of the most fiercest urban assault vehicles traveling the highways and city backstreets of America!

Still not what you wanted. Okay here it is the Ultimate in Less Ordinary Christmas Gifts!!! Why have your family worry about commie nuclear missiles or your friends’ next door dropping a few of those hellfire missiles from their spy drone on your holiday festivities when you can own your very own family underground missile bunker. Never lose sleep again worrying about Jack Bauer possibly failing to stop secret attacks on your family with this Christmas Gift! The perfect gift for peaceful coexistence with a hostile world!

These and other less ordinary Christmas gifts can also be viewed over at the Danger Zones 2007 Holiday Gift Guide. Hurry now that time clock is ticking!

The Gender of God

If you look at the World it is easy to tell that God is a male. First thing to consider is that a supreme being is not gonna have the sames sense of time as mankind. During the time it takes God to sneeze, a decade has probably rolled by. Which is the very pattern of maledom. We do not get in a hurry when it comes to completing tasks. We yawn, we stretch, we scratch, make sure all out equipment is working correctly, we checkout the surroundings then lay back down and take another nap before supper. Thats how God works. He wakes up in the morning then looks down and remembers that he got ticked off at some evil doers and turned on the washing machine to clean-up the planet and says, “Shoot I was gonna fix that great flood problem before I went to bed, I’ll have to get right on that after lunch.” And forty days and nights pass until he finally gets around to patching the sky and turning off the water works. Now if God had been a woman, the job probably would not have been put off in the first place. She would have just kicked the law breakers off the planet, gave everything a good wash with a heavy rain and got back to the job of running the Universe, all within a 24 hour period. And even if the job had been missed, the next day she would have put breakfast on the stove & fresh biscuits in the oven, made sure the moon was tucked away for a good nights sleep, woke up the Sun and got it slowly moving over the horizon and then patched the leaky sky all while the breakfast food was cooking. Thats what women do, their gender is full of classic overachievers. You can tell God is a man because he just lists the problem and drops in his his job jar and says I get that a little later. It’s a man thing. So he boasts “Right now I am a busy man as I have a whole Universe to run and an important meeting to get to on the golf course with some insect’s I am busy evolving on the second planet in a galaxy on the far side of the Universe.” Thats how guys handle problems we are always looking at the big picture. Now if it had been a woman and she realized she had some insects to evolve on a far away planet, then she would have reached down from the sky and grabbed some guys on the planet by the ears and said, “I have some errands to run, now you get off your lazy bums because I need you to do this, this and this and get that problem fixed while I go out and evolve these critters. I expect that to be done when I call back in before noon. Lunch is in the refrigerator just heat it up. If it is not done don’t expect any supper or nooky later on. See you tonight.” Then she would have went off to work and to save the Universe. Now if God had been a woman and after she said that – then whatever task she had assigned would probably have been finished, the keys words being telling a guy – no meal and no nooky. The other reason you can tell God is a male and not a female, is childbirth. No female would even consider putting another female through the nine month process of birthing a child. That to be followed up with following lengthy period of feeding and changing diapers. Plus another 18 years of nurturing and raising the kid. (Unless the child is male, then it becomes a lifelong task until she can find some other female to marry the male so she can pass off the job.) No it is obvious that if God had been female, the whole process would not have involved so much pain, suffering and work entitlement for the woman. And when she looks up to the sky and asks, why? She gets the answer, because I am a man baby, you will have to figure it out because I got a Universe to run!