Yes it is a long post, even for me! Yes it contains my bizarre humor, satire and hyperbole. If you like it, enjoy. If not, I’m easy like a hooker, just go buy tickets to Bill Cosby, because once he is gone – finding quality comedy will be like looking for water in the desert. All the rest pale in his shadow.
I was reading the dead-tree version of QC Online, the Dispatch/Argus and read where the chosen one, Cheri Bustos, will actually compete in debate with her challengers. Of course the appearance will give her the advantage of home court, considering the venue’s – WQPT Public TV -, connections with the state/local Democratic Politburo Powers That Be. The paper was asking for questions to be sent in for the candidates, that debate selection committee could consider asking during the debate. With that in mind here is my almost-psychic scoundrely Fantastic Voyage miniaturized version of the possible Debate Questions for the candidates; sans candidate replies, to protect the not so innocent among them. (Hey make-up your answers if you absolutely need them. They are probably as good as you would come away from the debate with.) let the (fantasy) debate begin.
Welcome everyone with the first round of questions we will start with Mr. Gualrapp.
DM (Debate Moderator): Mr Gualrapp in your decision to run for the Congress you stated your agenda was to bring jobs back to economically challenged Northwestern Illinois.
In order to display to the voters, your knowledge of what it takes to inhibit, stop and reverse the Rust Belt pattern of the 17th district of Illinois; please explain pros and cons of the Keynesian economics theories versus more classical theories such as Say’s Law. In your answer please include your preference and how you would lead our dysfunctional Congress to implement the changes necessary to right our sinking ship? To help you with your display we have included a practical Buhl 90 series overhead projector and marker. You now have 90 seconds to respond.
DM: Mr Aguilar, a lot has been made by your supporters, about the fact that you are a director of events at the local college Augustana.
As a member of the House of Representatives you might be called upon to make important decisions involving our military technology and funding for such – so could you explain, using the applications of special relativity, the advantages of accuracy offered in modern day missile technology versus the carpet bombing methodology used in past warfare. We have included a a genuine Glenn Beck Chalkboard to help you with your explanation. You now have 90 seconds to respond.
Hare err. I mean Bustos, alarmist detractors, including several posters on QCOnline articles, have inferred that like your predecessor, Phil Hare, though slightly more attractive – you seem a cold, political, and calculating loose canon placed on a short lease by the Dick Durbin worshiping Rock Island Politburo; plus during your time servicing East Moline you often voted to increase taxes on an already struggling region- including five votes to raise the water/sewer rate. So that you may display to those detractors that you are not the tax and spend puppet many believe you to be, please answer the following difficult and tricky question.
If you are charged $70 for an overnight visit at a local hotel and the city charges a 12% hotel tax on top of the base, what will be the total cost for your nightly stay – excluding meals, masseur, extra amenities or mini-bar charges that you can charge to your government expense account. Due to the difficulty of this question we have placed a Del Inspiron 17R series laptop computer with 17″ screen, a 2nd gen Intel® Core™ i7 processor, 1TB hard drive, and upgraded graphics we have also installed Microsoft Office Word, Excel, Power Point and One Note software for your convenience and Internet access. Due to the complexity of this question we will allow as much time as needed to calculate your answer.
Candidates thank you for your responses. Though we were sadly disappointed in the brevity of the answers to Mr. Gualrapp’s and Mr. Aguilar’s questions, which led to an incomplete understanding of how voters can hope for them to represent them in the US Congress. Ms. Bustos your response of $78.40 was exactly correct – we realize that your question was extremely difficult, but due to the time constraints of this televised debate a quicker response would have been preferable. Round two is coming up and the questions may be pointed toward personal strengths and/or liabilities and probably will be slightly more difficult. You may continue to use the equipment we provided in the first round. We will start round two with Mr. Aguilar.
DM: Mr. Aguilar we know that you are active in solving the challenges represented by the undocumented immigrant issues in the region. We considered that one helpful solution might be for citizens of the US to embrace the spirit of Magellan, Columbus and early American pioneers, which would create more opportunity for naturalized citizens as well as immigrants seeking new lives and/or asylum from ruthless dictators like Castro and Chavez. For your next question we would like you to figure out the costs of materials, energy and labor – plus the time scale needed to assemble exploration and colonization of the newly found planet Kepler-22b. Please include an advertising cost factor for promoting this exploration and colonization to the US Citizens and interested immigrants. We have added a slide rule to your accessible tools to perform any needed calculations. Due to the slightly more complexity of this question we will give you an extra 30 seconds of time added to your original 90 seconds. You may start now.
DM: Mr. Gualrapp despite the fact that Dickey Durbin has endorsed your competitor, Ms.
Hare err. Bustos and then attempted to intimidate you, and now independent candidate Eric Reyes, out of the competition – many are still worried that if elected, your past association with Durbin may have a negative influence on your ability to fix the economy of the 17th district of Illinois. To assuage the worries of possible voters please answer the following business oriented question. The media has reported that the Chinese are planning to construct a moon base in the near future, possibly as soon as 2020. Some individuals are claiming that this is a land grab move by China in response and made possible by the US decision to cut back on its space program. Our question to you is; in a John Kennedy/Lyndon Baines Johnson approach layout a clear and precise financial plan that will get the US back into the space race to establish our own colonies and manufacturing bases on the Moon as well as Mars. As with Mr. Aguilar we will give you an extra 30 seconds for this question.
DM: Well I am afraid the last two answers were once again, disappointing. We had really expected better from two such distinguished candidates. We are looking forward to Ms. Bustos’ enlightened answers to renovate this debate.
Ms. Bustos many of the voters are worried that you are inexperienced and nothing more than the remodeled version of your predecessor Politburo Puppet Phil Hare and his extremist views that mirror the Chicago Machine Politics that has crippled the State of Illinois financially. With this question we would like to offer you the chance to display to those voters you are not just another mindless puppet whose dance strings are being pulled, by Extremist Left Wing power Brokers, while repeating their endless spin. Your question is as follows; Lingerie – Victoria’s Secret or Fredrick’s of Hollywood? You may use the laptop and software and Internet connection we made available to you to construct your answer. Like Alex Trebek – We realize the importance of phrasing your answer in the proper form, so please take all the time needed to offer up an elegant response to enchant our viewers.
DM: Well thank you Ms.
Hare, err. (I keep messing that up) Bustos for a truly enlightening response to our questions. We had planned another round of questions but due to the time constraints we will be forced to cut this debate short. Like Jerry Springer, we would like to leave you with our last word:
Voting, though it could be said it is mostly an Un-American practice, is an important right of US citizenship. And for those who do practice the hobby of voting – it is important that voters educate themselves about each candidate (hmm, another mostly Un-American practice) rather than being influenced to cast their vote by advertising gimmicks and Political Party pandering and/or organizational arm-twisting (a definite American Tradition). So we would like to end this debate with a line from a John Denver song. Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stone. We know the Truth is Hard to Come By, and this debate was definitely an analogy of those John Denver lyrics. As impartial media personalities we can tell you to go out and place an educated vote but we cannot tell you how to vote. Still as the song says; Sometimes the cold wind leaves a chill in our bones and some of tonight’s responses did so. We would like to thank all the candidates for showing up to this debate. We would also like to thank Ms.
Hare, err. (I am sure I will get this right before the fall elections) Bustos for her progressive thoughts on the very tough questions we pressed her with. We would also like to give a huge hug and kisses to the Rock Island Democratic Politburo for allowing her to compete in this objective arena. Goodnight and Good luck from TV land! Vote Chicago Style -> Vote Early and Vote Often!