Posted by: thescoundrel | December 22, 2006

I am the Man baby!

A couple of recent posts here and on other blogs have left me emotionally drained, so today I post something on the lighter side. I admit I have a drug-liked-induced-weakness for some of the movie fare Hollyweird dishes out. I especially like Sci-Fi genre, action movies and dark and/or twisted comedies. And though some of the movies I like to watch are box office bonanzas many of them are what will become cult/classic movies. If you check my personal movie library after snooping through all the Star Wars/Star Trek/LOTR series and their various clones you will begin to find movies (Used Cars, Amazon Women on the Moon, Heathers, All the Marbles, Dr. Strangelove, etc. and including some that predate my existence upon this planet like Harvey) that will often cause the average movie spectator to get a perplexed look upon their face when trying to Identify the title in their mind. But that is a post for another time as I have digressed from the original intent of my post. Much of the escapism fare I am attracted to is just as enjoyable on the tiny tube in my home as it is when viewed in the spectacular land-of-the-giant-screen format at the local theatres. But to truly enjoy the complete spectacle of many movies like Sci-Fi, Action Adventure and Nature-in-a-Can designer extravaganzas you have to trudge out to the theatre and plunk down your nine dollars a head, four dollars each for your ninety-nine cent watered down Big Gulp clone and stale bag of freshly-popped-nine-months-before-kept-fresh-by-Griswoldian-newer-and-better-enhanced-food-perservatives popcorn. MMM MMM MMM tasty and refreshing!


Now as you sit there watching your kings ransom purchased movie and consuming those pricey mass quantities of chemically enhanced faux foodstuffs (often having followed a pricey meal of your favorite eats and drinks at your favorite restaurant) your date, already moody (in keep with the G-rating of this post) involving the choice of Apocalypto over the romantic comedy du Jour, begins to wonder if she is attending this feast for the mind with a man or a six year old. This usually happens about the time the man, has completely consumed his thirty-two ounce drink and is cost consciously desiring a refill for his four-dollar purchase. It is also at this point that mass the quantities of liquid consumed with the meal begin to fight for space in your bladder with the now also consumed theatre drink. This is where the battle of the mind begins. First you really want more liquid for your money, but realizing they would just charge you more astronomical prices, you can easily talk your self into not getting the refill. We are men; we are cheap and thrifty, unless sex is involved. However the raging battle in your bladder seeking relief from the over saturation of the region has now joined the previous conflict of your mind, but the mind says “I am the Man Baby”, I just paid nine dollars to see this movie and I will be ****** (once again keeping with the G-Rating of the post) if I am going to miss part of the movie to relieve the stress in my bladder. This is also the point of the movie where the women (who sensibly restrained their lust for the pony keg of Mt. Dew at dinner) in the audience begin to become more entertained by the various contortions of the men in the audience, than the movie, as the men are performing each individual’s version of the pee-pee dance while setting in a restricted movement environment while trying to look unworried, manly and studly yet loveable. Though our body language informs others differently, we gallantly guard our male pride by holding our position and hide our longing to leave the battlefield until the movie is over and the credits begin to roll. At his point the battle begins a full retreat from the empty cup and popcorn bag strewn battleground. Most women seem to handle this next segment so much better than men, despite the fact that the process is more time consuming for women.


This is the point where the men in the audience stampede the multi million dollar movie complex knocking over fixtures, unsecured objects and any slow moving traffic in their paths in an effort to reach the half-dozen or so working stalls in the bathroom. Sadly most conventional megatheatres lack the hindsight and wisdom of unmentionable mens’ clubs where they install converted cattle troughs on the wall for bladder relief. This can be the bloodiest part of the battle. The sick, crippled and Woody Allens are pushed to the side during this running of the bulls. Unattended little children are bounced off the walls or stomped on and left quivering lifeless on the floor as grown men swagger for position in line for the few strategic gateways into the only safety zones, the porcelain relief vicinity.


This was also the usual local scenario until the opening of the Moline Great Escape Cinemas. The designers of the Men’s bathrooms at the Moline Great Escape complex must have been blessed by the Gods with great vision of mans psyche. When you walk into the complexes men’s lavatory you will find no skeletal remains of unfortunate individuals crushed by the Hulk Hogans of the world. There are no faded police chalk lines or darkened blood splatters on the floor from trampled and rotting dead corpses. It is like walking into Wal Mart and having every checkout line open, no long waits, no endless enduring of self-inflicted torture, no need to have to worry about getting knocked to the side during a stampede and no need to twist your body into contortionist positions while waiting for relief.  The designers of this building must have been blessed with the wisdom of Socrates and Plato. To them I say, for all the tortured individuals (okay the men) just wanting some relief from their own acts of thoughtlessness, I salute you and bow to your unmatched wisdom!



  1. My dear Blatherskite,

    All things in moderation is near the heart and soul of all philosophy. Never drink beer before a concert is my motto. The same goes for attending Mallards’ games, unless I can get into our company suite to avail myself of the facilities.

    A single glass of wine at a meal before repairing to the cinema is, methinks, sound strategy. If you sow the Big Gulp, so must you reap the full bladder. It’s basic Newtonian physics: liquid is neather created nor destroyed but only changes form, Mountain Dew into … well, I need hardly paint you a picture.

  2. This question almost seems off topic, but—–what did you think of the movie?

  3. Over consuming Mt. Dew preceding an act of immobilizing myself by a commitment to an entertainment activity seems to be one of those unintelligent acts I am doomed to constantly repeat.

    Yes I did like the movie. But due to my understanding of my nonconforming personal preferences for entertainment, I recommend you visit the IMDB web site to research what people say pro and con about the movie. It is the same site where all the links in my original post take you. I have been less than thrilled with professional movie critics for years. And after their analytical accolades for Syriana, a movie which most of them jumped on the “must go see” bandwagon and that I found a jumbled mess, I now only read their comments for laughs and giggles. How does anyone mess up a movie as horribly as Syriana, which is about everyone’s favorite whipping-boy, the oil industry? And even worse how could any rational reviewer have recommended that dreadful movie as quality entertainment? What I like about IMBD is that everyday people write the reviews, not some elitist critic trying to decide for me what I should find entertaining.

  4. Well, I wasn’t looking for reviews, since I had already seen it on the 16th. But I was more curious about your opinion of it.

    The story wasn’t exactly original, but the setting eclipsed the familiarity of the story. I never doubted for a moment that J-Paw would return to his wife and child(ren) and rescue all. But since the story was set during the Classic Maya civilization, it may as well have been another installment of Star Wars—–except for the fact that Gibson went to great lengths to achieve authenticity. According to an interview in Archaeology magazine with the technical advisor to the movie, it was about as fact-based as is possible considering what is now known about this period of Mayan history (except for a few instances of “artistic license” of course!).

    I was a little leery of the “violence” factor going in, since practically all the reviews I had read ahead of viewing the movie were shrieking about the obscene level of violence. Maybe the violence was hyped too much, but I didn’t think it was over the top. Frankly, I thought the two naked men wrestling in Borat (one well at or over the 400 lbs. mark) was more disgusting than the violence in Apocalypto! Just my opinion.

    And speaking of oil industry bashing, I read (AP, so who knows if it’s true)where the Dems have another income redistribution scheme planned. This time they they want to establish a fund to promote conservation and renewable energy by taking money from oil companies. No unintended consequences contemplated. Sheesh! Some people never learn. On the other hand, we’ve been “intending” to become energy independent since the Carter Administration so maybe socialism is the answer! hee!hee!

  5. I was pretty much aware of the movies controversial points before I attended. That is one advantage I find at the IMDB site, I never found from just reading critics. For there is also a forum where members can discuss (and often disparage) the controversial components of the movie. The movie can get picked apart down to the bone at times; however, members are required to place spoiler warnings to reduce the risk of taking away too much of the movie’s entertainment value. I go to movies like this for the spectacle. The average movie I am perfectly happy to watch on my 48” Mitsubishi home theatre setup. At home I control the environment and distractions to the entertainment I am enjoying. But even a large wide-screen television with a nice home theatre setup cannot replace indoor theatres that are specifically designed for the larger than life extravaganza productions that exploit special effects and panoramic viewing.

  6. Thanks for the link to the IMDB website. It’s on my favorites page now and helped us decide which movie to see yesterday.

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