Posted by: thescoundrel | August 10, 2007

Sometimes you’re the Windshield Sometimes you’re the Bug


I can feel every part of my body tingle with terror and freeze simultaneously in anticipation of an impending catastrophe. I quickly look around and the large ever-present mass on the horizon is glaring it’s intense heat and light across the vast expanse I am exploring. My exploration of the dark surface I have ascended and am standing on seems soft and velvety to my touch. All of a sudden a massive metallic looking green and silver object hurtles over the top of my head. The unknown fear continues to consume and confuse my reason on an appropriate course of action. I look skyward and realize that an unnatural almost perfectly square black plane is cutting a path through space above my head. It has a calming soft visibleness to it. The consistency could be almost matching to the surface I am standing on. Yet though my surroundings all around me are clearly visible, it is easy to see the fast approaching object is consuming the line of horizon. Even the glaring mass that lights the vastness seems to be eclipsing and being swallowed by the dark plane that is consuming all light and matter around me. I must act but where would I go. If I go up I will surely be consumed by the darkness descending on me. And yet the plane is also quickly devouring all east-west-north and south horizontal escape passages with its death of darkness. What can I do? Where can I go? Why is my world dissolving? Is there no where to turn for help? In a matter of seconds the darkness has overwhelmed my world and my very existence. There does not seem to be any place I can go where it is not devouring the light and blocking my escape…

CB’s head jerks around as he hears a female voice screaming; What do you think you are doing? He looks sideways innocently to reply: uh nothing really just watching the Cubs-Rockies game. Why? What do you mean? She replys, well it seems there is an empty Mt. Dew can at the end of the couch spilling the last of its contents on the hardwood floor. And the couch pillow you are suspiciously holding – I just witnessed you senselessly beating the couch arm with that pillow. Let me see the pillow, please. CB grins sheepishly and hands over the couch pillow. She looks at the pillow and the couch arm it was assaulting. Why is there a dead Miller bug’s remains splattered and stained all over the black couch and matching pillow? CB looks up beaming and says, well I was afraid that nasty bug was going to eat a hole in the couch. So I tried knocking it off with the Mt. Dew can, but I missed badly and almost struck the television with the toss. The only other thing close was the couch pillow so I killed the varmint before it could do any damage. Even I cannot miss hitting a bug with something that big to throw! Aren’t you proud of me? As he looked at her face he could see pride or joyfulness was not the reaction she was having, oops. It must be another guy/girl thing. He was just about to reply, well I did purchase fabric treatment against staining, but figured silence was the best course of action. She then with eyes glowing replied, (expletives deleted) get the cleaning spray and get that dead bug goo off the couch and pillow before they are stained. Then cleanup the spilled Mt. Dew and then pickup the aluminum can off the hardwood floor and place it in the recyclables . And turn off that monstrosity you call a television before the glow makes you irradiate and turns you into a permanent nightlight! CB thought to himself what a rotten ending to a great baseball game. If that stupid (more unnecessary expletives deleted) bug had just moved or even better – had not invaded my domestic domain, my buttocks would not be in hot water and I would not be pretending to be Mr. Clean. At least the Cubs had beaten the Rockies 10-2 in Thursday night baseball. Woo Hoo!

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Responses

  1. hee!hee! Another hilarious essay by a Mt. Dew swilling Cubs fan!

    And kudos to the “female voice” who sought to bring order from chaos—–sister, I feel your pain!


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