Posted by: thescoundrel | April 18, 2009

The Curse of BiFocals


Before we hit the ripe old age of 29+ it is often a common occurrence to be insensitive with our sense of humor. And that is why we have sensible elders around to remind us of your rudeness. Of course at that age we are sure we are indestructible and that we know it all. So we pretty much laugh off wisdom imparted -about our penchant for tactless personal jokes- such as “one day you will be 29+ and you will see just how funny that joke isn’t”! Then that dreaded day arrives when we hit 29+. All of  sudden body functions start breaking down as our minds and your bodies start having a civil war over the way you go about your daily duties. Sometime, functions of our bodies breakdown that we did not even know could self-destruct. But that is another rant. Now as a young man it is easy to find humor and make jokes about people that have to wear bifocal glasses. Way too easy! And then one day God gets even and balances the scale. That is the day the ophthalmologist with a twisted smile on his face hands you an eyeglass prescription for bifocals lenses. That is the day we realize that realize that the worm has turned and we are soon to be the butt of our own jokes! Yup all those wisecracks asking our parents, grandparents and 29+ friends if they would:

1. Like me to lengthen their arms.

2. Like me to pull out their nose out a little further.

3. Like me to see if that book is available in Large print.

4. Like me to hold the newspaper up on the other side of the room.

5. Like me to read the paper for you?

6. etc… are coming back to haunt me.

Yup it is hard to believe all the misery a pair of eyeglasses can cause you until you start fighting with bifocals. I mean who could understand that a 48” HDTV screen could be so difficult to see a clear picture upon- with your properly prescribed eyeglasses resting on your nose? Who could know that sometimes your arms and/or nose are just too short when you want to read the newspaper – while wearing your properly prescribed eyeglasses? Well our well-meaning advice-giving 29+ friends and family that we ignored when they advised against our choice of comedic material. Since my evolution to bifocal lenses, I am sure that many of those same individuals are most likely looking down from the hereafter laughing their buttocks off as I take wild swings at insects crawling on the walls – that are not really there. An interesting thing I have found out about the curse of bifocals is that if a speck about the size of a pencil point (or larger) falls on the line of where your bifocal lens lines meet, as you are turning your head or moving your eyes, it looks like a creepy crawly running across the wall. My natural instinct is to send the critter to his final destiny with my fist. Of course when I take my hand away – surprise it is just a rude April Fools joke played on my eyes by my bifocal glasses. Arghhh! It almost makes me want to go back in time and bonk Ben Franklin on the noggin for inventing the blasted contraptions. But at least God and all my past joke victims are all having a good laugh at my expense. I suppose I earned the honor!

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Responses

  1. Welcome to the club!

  2. Brings back memories. I still have a problem looking for my sunglasses when they’re on top of my head.

  3. 😉 Well, QCEx I have been in the club for a couple of years now and they are just as frustrating now, as when I first had to start wearing them. Blechh!

    😆 Cruiser been there done that also! Worse yet I was getting dressed the other day and I could not find my second sock to put on. After looking all around me I looked down at the floor and it was already on my foot. Yikes! It was a real Three Stooges moment!

  4. i’ve been wearing glasses since i was 9… premature aging??

  5. 😆 Sulz – I have been wearing glasses since fifth grade!


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