Posted by: thescoundrel | October 16, 2009

Male-Pattern Dirty Dish Indifference


32 oz Measuring CupOkay theScoundrel is your typical 29+ year-old bachelor- I hate to do dishes.  (I might have mentioned that before.) It’s true I have male-pattern dirty dish indifference. The time required in managing dirty dishes has long been a bane to the average young man. While paper plates and disposable cups can just be tossed away it is not economically feasible to toss away every dish needed to cook a meal with. So, over the years I, like most bachelors (and theScoundrel has/still knows a considerable amount of bachelors), have been known to take shortcuts when it comes to washing dishes. During the early years of bachelorhood a young male, no names will be mentioned in this post to protect the not so innocent, may be prone to spend unwisely by eating out at fast food joints (no dishes to do afterwards) way to often. Not only is that expensive, for some strange reason it is difficult to find fast food places that serve diet Mt. Dew, which has long been the favorite drink of some bachelors I know. Plus if said bachelor is not all that fond of fast food ( I realize that it is hard to believe for some people that some many bachelors don’t worship McDonalds, but it is true) they are left with finding reasons to eat with Mom and Pop (THUS facing the dreaded barrage of prospective marriage candidates for potential  grandchildren inquisitional questions) or cooking themselves. Now, until the magic of the microwave,  if you were hapless in the kitchen you were  SOL, you faced the questions.  Some of us never really had that problem as we learned to cook by the time we could reach the top of the cook stoves.  Still until the invention of the microwave, cooking meals meant dirty dishes. The more detailed the meal the more dirty dishes to wash or ignore.  Now, I am not naming names, but there are many bachelor cooks that think the time to wash a dirty dish is two seconds before you actually need it. It is a Federally Mandated Top Secret so I cannot tell you how I know this information – without risking my life. Still there are many drawbacks for those bachelors that practice this type of labor avoidance. The most obvious is that it tends to attract prolifically reproducing pests. Another drawback is that your garbage can is often less offensive to your, and your neighbors’, olfactory senses than your kitchen sink.

Now I am not going to lie to you, that for the average young unmarried male, that the afore mentioned negative aspects are much of a factor to spur them into a dishwashing frenzy. It is amazing how much stink an individual can become accustomed to.  While a real man/bachelor does not care if he offends his nosy neighbors or landlords (even if the landlord happens to be dad) – but if you got a prospective female you wish to impress with your culinary talent, I heard a foul-smelling sink could be a difficult before-date obstacle. I won’t even mention the possible time constraints that might be involved in such an endeavor. The real problem, from the sources I have researched, involved the eradication of the odors said bachelor has become accustomed to. It seems some metal cooking utensils can manage to retain odor even after cleaning. Who knew such things like boiled in the shell crab could leave permanent odor in metal pans? Plus it seems there are evidently some odors that hang in the air, even a whole can of Glade air freshener cannot cover. Something about lingering bacteria. Sad that some guy probably wasted a whole dollar can of air freshener! 😦 It seems that a dirty kitchen that has been hastily cleaned is not a real impression builder to a pretty lass you are seeking to impress. (Hint: I have heard that the heavy smell of Pine Sol or any ammonia cleaner is a dead giveaway of male-pattern dirty dish indifference.)

I think that the innovation of the microwave along with the tasty convenience foods that has been designed with the microwave in mind has saved many a bachelor from facing angry mobs of neighbors unhappy at the strange smells emanating from those unnamed bachelors kitchen sinks. But even a microwave requires a certain amount of dishware to prepare a meal.

One personal favorite microwave toy over the years is my Anchor Hocking 32 oz. Pyrex measuring cup! It is perfect for holding a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. You can boil water in it to make hot and/or ice tea (I despise instant tea) and drink it from the same container you made the tea in. Hot chocolate, hot cider or any other hot drink the same story! You can cook and eat your mashed potatoes and/or any frozen vegetables from the same cup! It is the perfect bachelors cooking tool! You can cook almost anything with the cup. Well almost anything! You cannot make your chocolate-peanut burrito in it. But then for a chocolate-peanut burrito all you need is a tortilla shell, a handful of peanuts and chocolate chips, a packet of sweetener and a paper towel (another perfect bachelor cooking utensil) to cook it on. Now, granted, you might be tempted to use your leftover Panera paper napkins to cook the burrito on, but my experiences with cooking with napkins has been they tend to fall apart afterwards.  Heck with the paper towel you can often reuse it for your second and even third burrito. A quick rinse of the measuring cup and into the dish drainer toss the paper towel in the garbage and you are ready for a night of primetime programming with a cold can of Mt Dew, a disposable cup full of peanuts while your feet are propped up in Big Green. Of course the best advantage of these handy bachelor cooking tools is that you limit the need of a quick cleanup of that foul-smelling sink full of dirty dishes in emergencies. No male-pattern dirty dish indifference. And when the time arises your kitchen and all your cooking utensils are still sparkly clean, non-odorous, ready-for-use in impressing that special lady friend with your actual culinary talent.


DISCLAIMER

Any semblance to individuals -real or fictional- is purely coincidental. And if this post is descriptive of your kitchen – please take a course in food sanitation! No media, Democrat or Republican politicians were harmed in the creation of this post.

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Responses

  1. Very clever post!

    But I thought most bachelors let their dogs clean the dishes. 😀

    This post wasn’t just hilarious, it was useful, too. If I’m ever in a situation were I am just cooking for myself, I’ll remember your tip about the handy-dandy 32 oz. measuring cup—you really are the Martha Stewart of QC bloggers. 😀

  2. “let their dogs clean the dishes”

    Only the plates and cups. I don’t like setting the pots and pans in the floor. They tend to scrape up the wood floors as the dishes move on her. The beast is very thorough when it comes to meat, cheese and grease. She is not into veggies though.

    Thanks for the comparison – I think. I don’t have to start wearing an radio chipped ankle bracelet do I? Hey that 32 oz cup is useful as a single serving dish or when using for preparing other dishes! It also makes a great omelet. Just whip up the eggs to frothy add some of whatever you like in your omelet microwave until done and flip out on a paper plate! Plsu the eggs get done all the way through. Give the plate to dog after you are done and it is probably reusable! Mine dog leaves no trace of grease. Sadly sometimes she also chews holes in the paper plate getting all the grease. Not reusable then.

  3. lol, your post brought back a lot of memories. One thing I found out about being married is wives frown on rebuilding carburators in the kitchen sink.

  4. “wives frown on rebuilding carburators in the kitchen sink.”

    😆 Yeah by the time I was old enough to notice things like that my dad had already been trained to use buckets and pans to store his soaking car parts. Of course that never stopped my mom from tying up bathroom sinks for soaking clothes she hand washed. Tough to wash greasy hands over soaking clothes and you got a good tongue lashing if you washed your greasy hands in the kitchen sink. And sometimes Goop and the water hose just isn’t the answer.

    Well gotta go pull my 32 oz cup from the drainer and cook my morning oats! One dish does all, again! 😉

  5. […] Male Pattern Dirty Dish Indifference (theScoundrel) […]


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